Stop! Open your spirit to God’s call.
In my last reflection I talked about how God reveals himself to us. I focused on all the good, true and beautiful ways He reveals himself to me as an example and reminder for us all to stop and smell the roses. Unfortunately, sometimes God reveals himself to us in ways we wished he never would. These revelations sometimes cause us sadness and pain. Never was this more obvious to me than this past week.
This past week was a tough one, one that tested my trust and faith in the Lord. One that threatened my peace. Despite the tests, beyond the suffering, here I am. By the grace of God I have found my strength. I started my week with a phone call from my niece. She was calling to let me know that my brother was in the hospital. He had gone in for groin pain that was causing him difficulty walking. Given his history of testicular cancer, almost thirty years ago, my niece insisted that the hospital run several tests. Blood was drawn and CT Scans done which revealed an enlarged liver and spleen and a very high white blood cell count. My first reaction was “oh boy!”. After I hung up with my niece, my second reaction was to cry – this couldn’t be good. Those of you who know me well, know that I am NOT a pessimist – far from it – so this reaction surprised even me. I decided to take a ride to the hospital to be by his side during this trying time and to support my niece and sister-in-law, who were functioning on very little sleep. I noticed, as I was getting ready, that I was frazzled – I was rushing around like a chicken without a head, doing three things at once, out of breath and going nowhere fast. What the? I began to chastise myself: what happened to this peace you always talk about? What happened to your faith and trust in God? What happened to God’s “I got this?” I forced myself to slow down. I began to focus again on my God who is an awesome God! I reached out to my prayer warriors and suddenly my mood changed. There’s something to be said about surrender – when you realize things are out of your control and you call upon the will of God to be done, whatever the circumstance. I realized that prayer – my prayers and the knowledge that others were praying with and for us – brought me great comfort. When I turned my attention back to my heavenly Father, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was astonished at how quickly I was able to switch gears. It was a confirmation for me of how much I’ve changed. I got right back to my faith and trust and I was able to remain in peace, knowing the situation is in God’s hands. We’re still not sure what the final diagnosis is but we’re confident it will be treatable and curable.
One thing I have to say is that God never ceases to amaze me. Each day, as I begin to ponder certain thoughts or scripture verses, he continues to provide me with material throughout the day to further drive home the point, either through my reading, a sermon I hear, emails, websites. Everything always seems to have a common theme for the day. The situation with my brother started last Monday. On Tuesday I sat in church after mass praying the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary. As I pondered each mystery, I was struck by the second mystery – The Scourging at the Pillar. The fruit of this mystery is purity. I thought: The scourging, Christ’s suffering bears the fruit of purity and I immediately related it to our lives. Our suffering, which Fr. Richard Rohr says is our lack of control, results in our purification. What I mean by that is our suffering serves to break us open. It forces us to switch gears, it stops us dead in our tracks. Our suffering is meant to purify and transform us. We are meant to journey through our suffering, as Christ did on the road to Calvary, and come out better on the other side, our spirits renewed. If we remain the same old person we were before our suffering, then we’ve suffered in vain, we’ve done it all wrong. Suffering is the time to ask ourselves, what is this meant to teach us.
I know for me, although I am trusting all will be well with my brother, I wonder what this ordeal is meant to teach us, as individuals and as a family. Of course, as a family I think we are called to understand that life is too short and that just as we come together in support and love in difficult moments, we should focus on that same love and support everyday. We need to take the time to visit one another, talk on the phone, say I love you and most importantly let bygones be bygones. As an individual, I’m reminded to not sweat the small stuff because there are much more serious things in this world we can “sweat.”
I come from a large family, many different personalities and egos with many years of pain. I pray everyday for healing of family relationships, I pray often that my parents will get to see us all in one place enjoying each others’ company without the tension that usually comes with our family gatherings. I see my prayers being answered slowly but surely and I wonder if this whole ordeal is God’s way of continuing to answer and bringing us closer together. Sometimes He answers us in ways we never dreamed. I wonder if my family members will “get it.” Will we, as a family, come out better on the other side or will my brother’s sacrifice be in vain? Pray for us – for strength and comfort, for conversions, for forgiveness, for healing in all forms! Thank you in advance and may God bless you always!
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