“With the tenderness of the Father” is what keeps entering my consciousness lately and it’s as a result of my most recent retreat in Cape May Point, NJ. Who knew, when I heard those words almost two years ago during my weekly contemplative group meeting, that they were meant for me? I just wasn’t ready to receive them at that time. But I sure am now! What a testament to the fact that God never gives up on us but continues to gently guide us to where we need to be in order to adequately hear him. That’s why I love my retreat time. I go when and where summoned!

Not my usual Lent

Let’s start at the beginning. The Easter season is my favorite of the liturgical year. The preparation for it during Lent is usually a time for me to change something in my routine and possibly add something that will remain long after Lent is over. I love the anticipation of the celebration of the Resurrection and the idea of the “tears” of Lent being turned into the “dancing” of Easter. However, this year was different for me even though I had a plan. It reminds me of the adage “want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans.”

Other than reading my Lenten Reflection book and listening to the Bible in a Year podcast, I just wasn’t feeling my usual self. While I regularly attended Mass, I had no desire to do anything “extra.” My routine didn’t change much and it all just felt so wrong! As a result, I beat myself up about it in every way you could imagine. Lord knows, I needed a retreat and that’s just what He provided! Thanks be to God!

Such a strong word

I had the opportunity to go to confession during my retreat and I’m so glad I did. First, I expressed my guilt over being less than enthusiastic about prayer and my dryness and distraction during Lent. Then, I explained how I felt I should know better and do better. With one strong word, the priest, in persona Christi, flipped a switch in my brain. “Stop TORTURING yourself,” he said. WOW! I never would have categorized my thoughts as torture. What a conviction! This is an outsider looking in – I value that unbiased perception and believe he was right. I continued to ponder that thought even after confession, for the rest of the weekend and beyond.

Through my pondering, I began to see how hard I’ve been on myself for my entire life, not just in my spiritual life but in every area of my life. Through that conversation with the priest, JESUS gave me permission to be tender with myself, to cut myself some slack.

Retreat benefits

One thing I love about retreats is the benefits and lessons last beyond the retreat days. I usually come home and sit with the words, thoughts, ideas and lessons. So, for the past week and a half I’ve been sitting with this idea of torture and tenderness. What I’ve realized is how I treat or judge myself is reflected in how I treat and judge others. The more judgmental I am toward myself, the more judgmental I’ll be of others and the more tender and compassionate I am with myself, the more tender and compassionate I will be toward others.

Bernard of Clairvaux

I don’t remember if I’ve ever posted this before but I feel like it’s the perfect time to share now. Bernard of Clairvaux once said “The man who is wise, therefore, will see his life as more like a reservoir than a canal. The canal simultaneously pours out what it receives. The reservoir retains the water until it is filled, then discharges the overflow without loss to itself. Today there are many in the Church who act like canals, the reservoirs are far too rare. You too must learn to await this fullness before pouring out your gifts, do not try to be more generous than God.”

It’s a reflection

We’ve all heard phrases like “I’m depleted, I have nothing left to give, I’m running on empty.” I don’t know about you, but I often just think of this in terms of being tired, working too hard and not being able to do another thing. But I never made the connection to spiritual offerings and how the way I treat myself affects the way I treat others. I’m so grateful for this breakthrough because it makes me more compassionate toward myself but more importantly, I feel more compassion for those who hurt or offend me. This could potentially save many relationships.

Think about it – how someone treats us is most likely a reflection on them. If someone is mean, offensive or judgmental toward us, it’s possible they’re being that way toward themselves. Isn’t that sad? Shouldn’t that be a reason to forgive them, for they know not what they do? Isn’t that a reason to pray for them rather than get angry with them? It might even be a catalyst for us to have a difficult conversation with the person and ask them why they’re so hard on themselves. Maybe even ask them why they torture themselves. Who knows?

With the tenderness of the Father

We should treat ourselves with the tenderness of the Father. What does that mean? It means unconditional love, forgiveness and grace. It means recognizing and focusing on our inherent goodness regardless of our faults and foibles. Is this something we can practice on ourselves? Can we fill up with the positive in order to “discharge the overflow” to those around us?

Nowadays we hear a lot about “self-care.” It usually has to do with taking time to pamper ourselves. But I feel true self-care is treating ourselves with the tenderness of the Father. Through that tenderness the whole of creation benefits.

If you are like me and beat yourself up for taking 2 steps forward and one step back in your spiritual journey or in general – this is for you! Try to be tender with yourself. Actually, stop TORTURING yourself! Make the shift. Love yourself and where you are, wherever you are. The journey is not linear. We often circle back for a reason. God is working in us.

Seasons change

During the retreat, the retreat leader suggested we not quantify our “progress” on the journey by thinking in terms of stages or levels but in seasons instead. Isn’t that what we hear in Scripture too? To everything there is a season! I believe this mindset can help us become more tender with ourselves and can help us grow in compassion. Let us go and make the world a better place! God bless you and fill you with His tenderness!