Pondering a new year. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to be awake at midnight to usher in a new year. So many emotions were coursing through me. Sadness because I lost my brother “last year”; happiness because the year 2021 would be “gone” – good riddance; guilt because other than my brother’s passing, it was a great year for me; guilt because my faith tells me my bother Jay is perfect now and yet I’m sad, somewhat angry and confused; worried about what the new year will bring; anxious about work and determined to do and be better.
Did somebody say resolution?
When I woke up this morning, I started thinking about things I wanted to accomplish and how I wanted to change. I thought about planning new routines, setting new goals and making time for it all – workouts, reading, prayer, eating habits, relationships, hobbies. Then it hit me: Fr. Dave’s words to me, “be tender with yourself” and Betty White’s words “don’t take yourself too seriously.”
You see, I know myself all too well. I set goals, plan new routines and when the slightest thing goes wrong, when there’s just one day my routine gets disrupted, my whole world comes to a halt. Something in my psyche says “you messed up and you can’t move forward until you make up what you missed.
Let go – with the flow!
I guess I have to take my own advice and go with the flow. One thing that struck me as I pondered a “resolution” was present moment awareness. If I could set one goal for myself this year, it’s going to be to remain present and aware at every moment. I’m so far from consistent with this and I know it’s going to be a long, hard road but it’s something I want and need to do if I’m going to live each day to the fullest.
What goes into being fully present and aware though? As I sit in silence I realize there are many moving parts. So much goes into it and so much can come out of it.
Humility
First, there’s thinking of myself less. In other words, if I’m stuck in my head preoccupied with what others think of me or how I look or how I’m perceived, then I’m not experiencing the moment as I should. Things become much clearer, literally, when you are in the moment and not in your head.
Trust
Second, I have to worry less about outcomes. That means giving up control and allowing what’s happening to happen. It means trusting that God is in control and everything He does is better than anything I could ever accomplish.
Focus on self-care
Third, it means I have to be less distracted. Distractions for me come in the form of social media and the demands of others. I have to leave my phone alone and I have to take care of myself fully before I can be any good to anyone else. In my last post I quoted St. Bernard of Clairveaux who once said: “The man who is wise, therefore, will see his life as more like a reservoir than a canal. The canal simultaneously pours out what it receives; the reservoir retains the water till it is filled, then discharges the overflow without loss to itself … Today there are many in the Church who act like canals, the reservoirs are far too rare … You too must learn to await this fullness before pouring out your gifts, do not try to be more generous than God.” I want to be wise and act like a reservoir!
Bottom line: Remain present and out of my head; be honest with myself, acknowledge my limitations and turn to God for help; take care of myself both physically and spiritually; be grateful for EVERYTHING and recognize the grace in it all.
The key to success
As I continued to ponder the idea of filling my year with tenderness and present moment awareness, I imagined I would fall short of following through for an entire 365 days. Then, because our God is an awesome God, I was reminded of the daily Examen. BAM! Therein, lies the key to the success of my plan. If I can remember to do a daily examen each evening, then it will allow me to take stock of how and where I fell short of God’s plan for me. Then each morning will be a clean slate, a “new year” for me. Given the way my brain works, the daily examen may just be the perfect way for me to remain on course without becoming paralyzed.
Still making a list
Even though I’m going to choose tenderness and present moment awareness as my personal theme for this year (notice I didn’t call them resolutions) I’m still going to keep a list of the goals and routines that initially popped into my head this morning. I’ll do it, not because I want to accomplish it all but, more so because I want to conduct an experiment of sorts. Later in the year I want to gauge how being present helped me accomplish so much more than I would have imagined. I’d encourage you to do the same. I have a feeling we’re going be pleasantly surprised.
I pray this year be one of tremendous growth for all of us. That it be the year we clearly see God working in our lives. May this be the year we choose to live out our purpose of being participants and co-creators alongside Him who loves us more than we could ever imagine! Happy New Year! God bless you!
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