There’s a light at the end of the tunnel

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel!

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  THANKS BE TO GOD!  You may have noticed I haven’t posted in a while.  That’s because I’ve been “blocked.”  Some might call it writer’s block, some might call it depression or hormones and some others might call it  desolation of spirit.  I have my thoughts.  Call it what you want.  What I know for sure is that I really felt like I was in a dark tunnel.

I can honestly say that I have never felt so tangled in my entire 48 years of existence.  Despite all of that I continued to put on a brave face and pressed on.  Every morning I’d pull myself up by my bootstraps and function the only way I knew how, until one day the cork popped (at least that’s what it felt like).  I no longer had the strength to pull those bootstraps up.  Emotions were high and all I could do was cry, cry, cry.  I questioned my purpose, my choices and my ability to be who God created me to be.

In that moment of sadness, I texted my childhood friend – my “bro” (we call each other “bro” because we are embryo friends – our mom’s were friends while carrying us in the womb).  All I needed to text was “PRAY FOR ME” and she knew she had to call. We speak often and we encourage each other.   This day was no different other than the fact that she knew she had to drop everything to speak to me.  Boy did I unleash on her.  It brought tears to my eyes when I realized the presence of Jesus in our conversation.  Her words brought great comfort to me that day.  That was the light at the end of the tunnel.  Thank you Bro!

In hindsight, I realize that what I was experiencing wasn’t so much a tunnel as it was a grave.  I was experiencing the darkness of the grave I was digging to bury my old self.  A new me was about to emerge and I was experiencing the pain of metamorphosis.  Today, I am much happier, more confident and purpose driven.  God has blessed me with an abundance of grace during my darkest days to date.  I don’t know why it amazes me so much when God perfectly plans my path but it always does.

Shortly after my conversation with my “bro”,  I was blessed to experience a weekend retreat guided by Fr. Michael Gaitley, MIC, entitled Mercy and Mary.  If you ever have an opportunity to attend, please do.  That retreat  “did something to me”  – to use Fr. Mike’s words.

When I got back from retreat, I bumped into another one of my friends at church.  She commented on my blog and recommended a book by Henry Nouwen entitled The Life of the Beloved.  Being a bookworm, I immediately downloaded it onto my Kindle.   All I can say is WOW!  The words in that book could not have come at a better time – God’s time!  They remind me to remain in this place, they lead me forward and help me continue shedding the old in order to complete the new.  The tools I need to function in a world to which I do not belong are in that book.  Thank you M.T.!

I know I still have a long way to go to become who God created me to be, but for the first time in my life I sense the dawning of a new day.  God loves me no matter where I am on the journey!  I am blessed, I am strong and His grace is enough for me.  My outlook has changed, my idea of where I am supposed to be in my life and my purpose is beginning to take shape.  I’m happy to be where I am  now and I’m excited to see where I end up.  My eyes have been opened.  I am aware of what works for me – what my strengths and weaknesses are.   More importantly I recognize that while there is power in YES, there’s also power in NO!

What got me here to this “new life?”   God’s grace is the simple answer.  I say it’s the simple answer because through God’s grace I was able to persevere in prayer.  As hard as it was to remain focused on God in those dark moments,  I never got angry with God, I never questioned, I just pushed myself to pray what little I could, knowing that it would lead me to a good place.  I knew I was dry, but I didn’t give up completely.  The lines of communication remained open.  I attended mass (although not as often as I would have liked), I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours (once in a while) and I prayed my own spontaneous prayer every morning.  I did the best I could with what I had and God heard.

We all experience hills and valleys in our lives.  Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  Be encouraged.  I’ll leave you with some words from The Life of the Beloved by Henry Nouwen.

“I tell you all of this because I know how moody you and I can be.  One day we feel great, the next we feel miserable.  One day we are full of new ideas, the next everything looks bleak and dull.  One day we think we can take on the whole world, but the next even a little request seems too much for us.”

“These mood swings show that we no longer hear the blessing that was heard by Abraham and Sarah; Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob, Leah and Rachel, and Jesus of Nazareth and that we, too, are to hear.  When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but, when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true belonging.”  

I am so ready, willing and able to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses me and to walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true belonging!  I hope you are too!  God bless you!

I dedicate this post to ALL my sisters in Christ who encourage, inspire and teach me each and everyday.  Thank you for your support, prayers and powerful presence.  I see you and I appreciate you.  Henri Nouwen says “deep friendship is a calling forth of each other’s chosenness and a mutual affirmation of being precious in God’s eyes.”  I’m grateful for our deep friendship!